self-aware about my doormatness
i may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but i haven't spent all these years hiding under a rock either.
trust me, i know when people are taking advantage of me.
whether i put a stop to it is another story though.
as a recovering people pleaser i am well aware of how i keep giving excuses, nth chances, permissions and opportunities to people who don't deserve it.
they probably need this more than my i do
they're probably in pain/distress so i gotta help them
if i don't help them who will??
when they show signs of need i hear that as a call for help that i can probably provide, and of course i need to help if i have the ability to, regardless of my mental capacity, because providing assistance is my responsibility. or at least that's what the guilt trap in my noisy mind keep yelling at me for most of my existence.
i may not like the feeling of being used, but i don't have the courage/will to put a stop to it. it's definitely not altruism and it might be me still trying to people please (although god knows i've never been able to please anyone anyway)... and it might have been a survival mechanism to keep me safe as a kid, but now my i-need-to-help-itis is just my default mode that i'm neither happy about nor proud of.
i'm working on it.
in the meantime, if you do care about me, please take it easy on me.